Setting Boundaries: How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty
My name is Adam Melnick. I’m a leadership coach and owner of Seeding the Lead, and today I’m going to talk to you about boundaries.
When we look at boundaries, the first thing to understand is: why do you need boundaries? The thing about boundaries is that they are there to protect you from other people. One of the biggest problems I see is individuals who have no boundaries whatsoever—and then they’re often walked on by colleagues, team members, or loved ones. They become frustrated, angry, upset, and their life just starts falling apart. The reason for that is because they’re not protecting themselves; instead they’re allowing everyone to take, take, take, take until they have nothing left to give.
Instituting Boundaries
When I look at boundaries, they’re really walls to protect yourself from other people. When we look at instituting boundaries in your own life, the first part is understanding what you are okay with and what you are not okay with. For example: I’m okay with having a conversation with a colleague; I’m not okay with that colleague swearing at me. I’m okay if they’re swearing around me or telling me about somebody else, but I’m not okay if they’re swearing at me. Understand what you’re okay with.
When we understand what we’re okay with, the next thing we can do is make a request. The thing to remember is that we can’t control the other person—we can only control ourselves. So when we start a boundary, we always make the request: we ask them to stop doing the activity that we’re not okay with. For example, if someone’s swearing at us, we simply say, “Hey, I don’t appreciate being sworn at. Can you please stop?” We ask. Now the ball is in their court: they can pick it up and say, “Awesome—my apologies. I’m not going to swear anymore,” or they can disregard our request and continue doing the activity they want to continue.
In that case, we go to step number two. The next part about boundaries is stating the consequences of not honoring your request. What I mean by that is: “Jim, I need you to stop swearing at me. If you continue to swear, I’m going to leave this conversation, and we can pick this up at a later date.” I’ve clearly told him the behavior I’m not okay with, I’ve asked him to stop, and now I’m stating the consequences.
Follow Through
If he continues doing this, we go to the next stage, which is follow through. If he keeps swearing at me, I walk away. This is the most important part. I worked with a client whose problem was following through on their boundaries. They were always stating their boundaries—saying what they’re not okay with—but when it came to implementing the consequences, they always fell short. Unfortunately, their team kept walking on them, and they were burnt out, frustrated, and upset.
When they came to see me, half of my work was helping them understand what their boundaries were—and helping them to follow through on those boundaries. Because what they didn’t understand is that by not following through, they were teaching the other person that they could walk on them—and that’s not okay in any way, shape, or form.
The thing to remember about boundaries, however, is that you have to be consistent. If you’re not okay being sworn at, you cannot swear at them—it’s as simple as that. Also, if you’re not okay being sworn at by one person, you can’t be okay being sworn at by anybody else. I cannot tell you how frustrating it is watching a client come to me saying, “Jim’s walking all over me, but Sarah is respecting my boundaries.” Why? When I look into it, the issue is that they’re not consistent with their boundaries. If you’re not consistent, you’re teaching people around you to walk on you, to disrespect you.
Worse yet, you’re teaching them there’s a two‑tiered system in your life: there are people they respect who have certain privileges, and there are other people they can push around.
The thing to remember when it comes to boundaries is:
- Identify what you’re okay with and what you’re not okay with. This is critically important if you’re going to be in conflict or have a tough discussion—you need to know your line.
- Make the request: ask them to stop the behavior.
- State the consequences: “If you continue, I will do this.”
- Follow through on the consequences. If they keep pushing your boundaries, do what you said you would do: walk away, end the meeting, re‑schedule, etc.
- Be consistent. One day you can’t say it’s okay; another day it’s not. That doesn’t work.
Your life will be easier and more fulfilling if you have clear, consistent boundaries that you articulate to those around you.
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Hey, if you’re looking to level up your leadership skills, come sit down for a free one‑hour consultation with me. We’ll look at problem areas—maybe you’re not connecting with your team, maybe there’s worker burnout—and work on creating customized goals so you can become the leader I know you’re meant to be. Click the link in the description below for your free consultation.