Leadership Coaching in Edmonton | Conflict Resolution 101: The Secret to Solving Disputes Without Drama
Hey, I’m Adam. I’m a leadership coach and owner of Seeding the Lead leadership coaching in Edmonton, and today we’re going to talk about how to deal with conflict when somebody has a problem with another individual.
One of the big issues that I notice a lot of managers, leaders, and just individuals in their own life face is that they are “fix‑it” people: they want to get in there and fix the problem no matter what it is. That isn’t what we want to do—especially when it comes to an individual coming to us with an issue. The reason for that is we don’t know what the issue is about or what’s actually going on, and as far as we know we could be dragged into what is called the Drama Triangle.
The Drama Triangle
The Drama Triangle is a power game used by manipulators to essentially cause chaos and drama. There are three roles: you have the Rescuer, you have the Victim, and you have the Persecutor (or Abuser). When an individual comes to you, they’re inviting you to be the Rescuer—“Save me, save me, save me”—and they’ll often portray themselves as the Victim. We aren’t sure if they are truly the Victim or if they are manipulating us. We won’t know that unless we gather more information.
The issue with the Drama Triangle is if we don’t take a step back and listen and ask the right questions, we will be dragged into so much chaos and headache—it’s incredibly problematic. I remember working with a client named Jenna. Jenna was a very “fix‑it” person, and one of her friends came to her with a huge problem with her mother. Jenna said, “Well, I’m a great helper—I’ll fix the situation between you and your mom.” The issue was that she got swept into the Drama Triangle. Roles switched: Jenna tried to rescue her friend, but her friend didn’t like how it was being handled, and Jenna became the Victim. Then her friend went to her mom (the Persecutor), self‑perpetuating the Drama Triangle. That’s not a place we want to be.
We always want to take a step out of the conversation and listen with curiosity before we ever jump in to fix the problem.
Stop and Listen with Curiosity
If anyone ever comes to you with a problem, issue, or concern about somebody else, the first step is to stop. We’re not fixing it yet. We listen with curiosity:
What is the problem?
What’s going on?
Why are they concerned?
Why are they upset?
And we just hear them out.
Ask What They Want
Once we listen from a place of curiosity to understand the problem, we’re still not fixing it. Instead, we ask more questions:
What do you want out of this?
What is your ultimate goal with this problem?
Do you just want to be left alone?
Do you want this person to stop that attitude?
Do you want to be moved to a different department?
We don’t know until we ask.
Ask What They’ve Already Tried
The third part is to ask, “What have you been doing to remedy the conflict?” Typically, in the workplace, individuals aren’t fixing their own problems—they’re running to management first and asking management to fix their problems (“Save me! Be the Rescuer!”). That’s not what we want. Instead, we should encourage the employee (or coworker or team member) to fix their own problems first.
Coach Them to Problem‑Solve
How do we do that? We ask, “What have you done so far?”
If they’ve done nothing, the next question is: “What would it look like to talk with the individual in a calm manner? How would you address your needs and set appropriate boundaries with them?”
Yes, it’s long and it’s tedious, but by encouraging them to be independent, we help them develop critical thinking and problem‑solving skills. They learn to take ownership of their own issues—and that is what we want.
When to Step In
There is a time when we do need to step in—and that’s after we’ve coached them through their own attempts. If they’ve sat down, talked with the person, set boundaries, and the issue continues to escalate, that’s when we step in. At that point, we bring both parties together, listen to each side, and help them reach a resolution that’s adequate for everyone.
If you found this helpful, please give it a like, subscribe, and share it with someone who could use leadership coaching in Edmonton. Otherwise, I’ll see you in the next video. Cheers.